Only two ways....

Oh I got that now...

either it is or it isn't...

yes or no...

go or stop...

red or green...

purple is the only color in between...

its only two ways in life it seems...

black and white no technicolor tonight...

so lay back and hear this tune keep on writing the verses while my voice sings the chorus through...

making beautiful music that only my soul hums its tune...

Sooo Wat

This is something like the holocaust and till I die I will keep doing this cause I am fucking boss.

Keep going til I can't, but who is gonna stop me, seems like I am the only one on my grind. This is who I am, I am not faking anymore.

Well

I might be a bad friend and not good at relationships. But I am good at working and making money. Might as well stick to what I am good at.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend

I have never noticed how wonderful my family is to me. I think to myself I am so lucky to have them. It is the only thing that lasts.

Realization

I realized dating me is like eating a large piece of chocolate cake. For example the chocolate cake from P.F Changs....Its great at first, the presentation is spectacular. With the raspberry syrup drizzled on the plate and a strawberry sliced on the side.

As the plate comes to you everyone looks thinking they want the same desert. Some women look in envy cause they are not able to taste or understand its decadence.

So it finally reaches the table, you think I can completely handling this is going to be soo good. You lift your fork and dig right in, without pacing yourself. Each bite becomes better than the last. But as you work towards the end, you suddenly can't finish.

The sweetness has become too much, so you stop. You want to finish it but you can't, so now you have to decide if you want to take the rest home or have the waiter come and take it from the table. So while you decide waiting for the waiter, you put the fork down and wonder why you ordered such a good cake and can't finish it.

Decisions...but I think that would sum up what it's like to date me a piece of chocolate cake.

Healing

Is there anyone that wants to be with me other than myself. The desires I have are left within to fill a space, that perpetually leaks out the pain and hurt I feel.

One day I will understand what this all means or why I am stuck in this transit time. But the one thing I know is that I need to let go of you of us. The hurt you cause can never be healed or r repaired by you.

So today I will let go of my wounds to help open other doors that might be left for me.

Relationships

I love when relationships are new. The excitement of meeting someone new and the relationship seems to blossom.

When passion runs hot and it seems like its never going to change.

Well...

I don't feel anything.

Silence

I don't remember the last time you called me on the phone to tell me how much you missed me or when you are going to see me again.

I barely remember the times we used to just sit and laugh and joke the whole night away.  Its so funny how people go in and out of your life but the memories always stay.

Short Story

The last night I was laying in bed and decided to try and find my heart.  I rested my hand over my left chest feeling for the beat in my heart.  But it stayed silent, there was nothing there.  So I checked my pulse for the rhythmic beat, there it was.  So at least I knew I was alive.  So I put my right hand back over my left chest and still nothing.

Was it real? Did I turn into something so unreal I have not a beating heart? Or maybe?  The night before I cried so hard that I cried myself to sleep.  I felt like my heart had crumbled, like something had ripped it out of my chest.  I thought the pain had subsided long ago or at least in denial I thought.  But I guess my heart had one more piece to chip off.  Though the next morning I assumed I wouldn't feel like living or feel like a zombie.  But no, I felt renewed as if some vampire had taken my heart and left me a empty container that had nothing left living inside, but I was able to breath and move like everyone else.

But something in me changed that night.  That place where my heart was is now just an empty space.  But sometimes late at night I still have longing to where I may have left it....